#SOL24 Day 14: Four Years Later

Four years ago

tonight

I was in labor

Four years ago

tonight

I was trying to prepare myself

for the pain

physical

mental

emotional

PAIN.

Four years ago

tonight

I knew something terrible was happening

to me

it had already happened to my daughter

her heart had stopped beating

inside my womb

a day prior

we were halfway to meeting

earthside.

Four years ago

tonight

I couldn’t have imagined

the absolute horror

the devastation

the PAIN

I would experience the next day.

Four years ago

tonight

I could feel my world

as it came crumbling down

COVID

lockdowns

loss of contact

at home with my family

but utterly alone.

Four years ago

tonight

with death all around us

all over the world

people falling ill

saying goodbye

taking their last breaths

as death was surrounding me

and my daughter

with its darkness

its isolation

its PAIN.

Four years ago

tonight

I was preparing to say goodbye

to my biggest dream

to be a girl mom.

But four years later…

if not for four years ago

tonight

my beautiful

happy

vivacious boy

would not be here.

So four years later

tonight

I sit with the memories

the live birth

and the stillbirth

the son

and his angel-winged sister

the gratitude

the loss

pain

peace

joy

and it hurts

just a tiny bit less

four years later

tonight.